“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I try so hard to stop watching porn and masturbating. I have multiple accountability groups and multiple mentors who check up on me. I listen to sermons on lust. I have tried all of the browser filters and Internet search history monitors. I have tried everything. Yet no matter how hard I try, I am still addicted.
It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I have realized that my porn and masturbation addiction is not my problem.
See my problem is not that I have been hooked since I was 12 years old. My problem is not that I can’t go more than 14 days without watching porn or masturbating. My problem is not that it is nearly impossible for me to not look at a woman lustfully.
Perhaps my problem is how hard I try.
Perhaps my problem is that all of the above sentences only involve me.
Perhaps my problem is that I am so focused on stopping the physical acts of watching porn and masturbating that I ignore my heart.
Perhaps my problem is that I am trying to stop my addiction without help from God and the Spirit.
My problem is I do not pursue God with EVERYTHING I am. My problem is I do not invite Him into my struggle. My problem is that I want to be in the driver’s seat. My problem is my impure heart. My problem is that I do not trust Him enough to surrender every aspect of my life to Him.
But if God is really to be the one in control of my life, as I claim He is, I must surrender my will to Him. I must learn to trust him daily, even hourly.
Breathing is not something I choose to do. It is not something I have to think about. It is something that I naturally do. I don’t have to try to breathe, I just breathe. My body naturally takes in air from my nostrils and uses it to give me life. Thank God I do not have to try to breathe.
I long for the day when I do not have to try to surrender to God. I long for the day that my surrender to God is as natural as breathing. I long for the day that this is a normal rhythm of my life.
I pray that I can be so in tune with the Spirit that my surrender is a routine reaction that happens without constant thought or effort. I want to naturally surrender to God so that I can receive life! I long for the day I do not have to keep track of how many days it has been since I last watched porn.
May my surrender become so natural that I lose track of how many days it has been!
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.”
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Written from the midst of the struggle.